So I�ve been feeling a little melancholy this week. Actually, seeing as how I am generally just sort of depressed anyway, �melancholy� for me would probably be a little closer to �wrist-slitting-erific� for most people, but that whole rant is off topic just now. So, anyway, about the melancholy.

Unless you were comatose or still recovering from Oktoberfest, you were aware that the Autumnal Equinox, aka the First Day of Fall, was Monday (the 23rd, as it were). I know that to many people, particularly those associated with school, or have kids who go to school, or are just generally big football fans, �fall� starts just after Labor Day. In fact, I�ve always said that �official summer� (as compared to the �calendar summer�) starts on Memorial Day Weekend, and ends Labor Day Weekend. Of course, before college, it was end of school to beginning of school, as I suppose it is for the aforementioned school-related people. But I�m once getting drifting off topic.

So, anyway, its Fall� or Autumn. Whatever. But even more so, for me, is the realization that October is a week away.

I suppose I should point out in my post-school, post college reality, September is a �transitional month.� There are two of them a year, the other being May. These are the months when Seattle is transitioning from its otherwise gloomy, rainy self, into its glorious, god-damn-it-this-is-the-best-place-to-live-on-the-fucking-planet self, and then back. September is usually a beautiful month, like it has been this year. Warm, but not hot, generally not very wet, there is as little snow up in them thar mountains as there will be all year, and the bugs are not as bad. It�s good stuff. Unfortunately, it�s on the �down slope,� and Everyone realizes it. At the beginning of the month, you realize the sun is actually setting before 8. By the end of the month, you realize the sun is setting before 7. And that has always been a bit brutal psychologically, on me at least.

October is usually a pretty nice month, as well. So is April, for that matter. In fact, they seem pretty similar to me. Both can be pretty damp, but they have their share of very nice days, and because of the rainy ones you appreciate them more. April, however, is at the peak of the �upward slope,� and being such always seems filed with such optimism. October is more or less the start of the rainy season, and we all know that November is the wettest month of the year, and well� it�s all downhill once October starts. Granted, that doesn�t keep us from enjoying the handful of great days that October usually offers us, but it�s always seemed to me there is a certain sense of urgency which accompanies those days. The kids are out playing soccer, and the moms are just glad they won�t be wet and muddy after the game. The joggers, hikers, bikers, boaters, and such are all out trying to get as much of their schwerve on as they can knowing the end is near.

When I was a kid, there were always a lot of pleasant diversions to keep me happy in the fall. After I got over the crushing psychological blow of school starting, I had soccer season, football to watch (back in the Seahawks �glory days of �83-�89), cider to make, pumpkins to gather and carve� and later in high school, I had cross country as well. When I hit college, I was happy that school started, mainly because, being a student, that was my purpose in life. I didn�t much enjoy my summers in those days� it was kind of stupid looking back on it, but I digress (again).

As an �adult� I�ve found a real appreciation for this time of year. However, there is an odd �relic depression� that sets in. Beyond that, though, is that I usually just can�t get over that summer is over, and there are all these things I didn�t do.

I suppose that is a big part of my problem, and why I suck. Most mentally healthy people look back with fondness on what they did. I always seem to dwell on what I didn�t do. And then I get frustrated with myself and my life.

Summer of �97, I finished college (the 6-week summer session ended July 30th), then went on my epic Alaska trip with Tyler. Despite having to move back to the rent�s house, I was pretty cool with it all. I was going to screw around for a year, and go on another adventure the next summer. That was a great fall. I was coaching the cross country team back at my high school, and training for the Seattle Marathon. I worked a crappy part-time job at RPS, but in late October I started that sweet cosmetics stockroom job at Nordstrom. Things were good.

Summer of �98 was the epic summer of hiking the PCT. After Labor Day, however, I began to realize it was time for me to start looking for a �real job,� and that whole prospect scared me to death. I was also a little disappointed in myself for not finishing the hiking I had set out to do at the beginning of the summer. I remember visiting Bellingham a couple times to visit the WWU Career Center, and a couple other times to �hang out.� Greg was the only one left up there any more, and I remember feeling pretty melancholy about the whole experience, sort of a �college is really behind you know� type thing. I was a supposedly a full-fledged adult then, and I didn�t handle it too well. Jon also moved out to Michigan that October for a flying job (he would be back in May) and that sorta sucked to.

After that, Fall has just reminded me of the end of youthful, carefree Summer. In �99 I climbed the volcanoes, but I actually worked through the entire summer for the first time in a while, and that made me feel like I was missing out on a lot of things. I felt satisfied enough with my summer that fall wasn�t so bad that year.

In �00, August was blown by my quitting a job, finding/getting a new one, and moving into and preparing this house. I had suffered a knee injury in May, and was out of shape much of the summer, and didn�t do any climbing, nor much hiking (except for a one-week vacation hike out on the coast). I sort of felt like that summer had been blown, and I cam remember feeling really disappointed and desparate about this time. I had the new house to take a bit of the sting off, however.

Well, I�m sort of rambling here, and I�m trying to remember what point I was getting to. I guess it�s just that the weather has been so damn nice this week, it�s like a tease, and I keep thinking of all the shit I Didn�t Do this summer. I�ve dwelt too much on where my life is going (or isn�t going) and I just want to go out, lie on a beach or something, and try to soak up as much of this beauty as possible and try to get a clear head.